A Very Merry Christmas!

I have so many fond memories of waking up Christmas morning, rushing down the stairs with my siblings, Mom, Dad, Gram and Pop Pop...with so much excitement and anticipation for what lay before me!  The stockings, the letters from Santa, the presents, the Christmas cookies, the Christmas pageants my cousins and I put on...so much magic there was offered to us!

As I get older and take steps closer to one day creating that same magic for my own (waaaaay future offspring), I feel so very grateful for those memories and for being given a family that loved us so much.

Here is a picture of such a memory; I'd like to share with you.

May you all have the happiest of holidays- filled with magic and love- whatever your age!

Colorado Living

Our new place, though isn't the Dream Home illustrated below, it is a gift from heaven indeed!

It is quaint, cozy, sweet...the perfect first home for Mihai and I!

Here's a quick look of our first month in the place. We've been working hard at fixing it up-which is I must say is much more fun than I ever thought!

Who knew I was a closet betty homemaker?!?!?!

Certainly not moi!

Home Sweet Home

CALLING ON THE LAW OF ATTRACTION!!!  COME ON 2009!!!

I'm sure we've all read, attempted to read or in the veeeerrrry least heard about the big fat "Secret" and the importance of creating visualizations/positivity around that which you want to create in your life. 

Blah blah blah- this girl just wants some shit to happen.... so lets give it a whirl!  And with the upcoming New Year and this year marking the last of my twenties, I say...why the F#%^not?  

So hang in there with me dear bloggers, as I use my blog for some "secret"exercising magic.  I will do one a week so you all don't quit on me!

This week I'm starting with my DREAM HOME:

shout out- my dear friend Katie Kemple inspired this idea check out her dream home on her blog seaglass mermaid!  Her home is stunning!!!)

Maybe it was the many years of sitting on our porch in Nantucket with my family/friends talking over a glass of wine, that has created a soft spot in my heart for this essential home addition.   I can spend hours sitting on porches either writing with a cup of coffee or catching up with old friends over a bottle of wine.  This is a must have in my dream home!!!!

This is a beautiful and inspiring living room/study.   Though I would chose a warmer tone for the walls and create a library/wall decor full of my favorite books, I believe it is a perfect place to call my study.  All I need now is the perfect desk and I'm ready to roll! 

Oh man, oh man, oh man.  A big kitchen is, in my humble opinion, the most important ingredient to a kickass home.  It is there that family and friends gather to prepare meals, bake, study, make arts and crafts projects, catch up etc  As a kid, so many of my memories take place in a kitchen, it's no wonder this is the single most important room for me!  

Space and beauty is a must for any kitchen.

This will be mine. Oh yes.  It will be mine.

Oh, I can just smell the wonderful food cooking, hear the giggling of me and my family/friends preparing the dinner, the puppy begging for food under the table!

What better way to enjoy a meal with those you love than in this beautiful space!

I am SO in love with everything about this bathroom.  I am all about clean, white bathrooms, with tons of space, and natural light.  And two sinks- now that will save me ten minutes of yelling at Mihai to "hold on! I'm ALMOST DONE!!!"

Ahhhh....someday my friends, someday!

A Foreign Affair

Who knew that I would find my someone special across the world in a foreign country let alone at my brother's wedding.  Fate sure has a funny way of working itself out.

For my Romanian:

Whatever may or may not happen in our lives, one thing is sure:  I am better for having met you.   You have opened my heart and my eyes in so many more ways than I ever could have expected.

Te iuebesc.

Bella

Nantucket Wisdom

One of my most favorite times in my life were the years lived on Nantucket Island. The simplicty, beauty and peacefullness that both surrounds and intoxicates the Island is like no other I have found since. I believe it was my time on Nantucket and the many walks alone I had on the beach with my dogs that I really began having a true relationship with myself. So I'd like to share some of that beauty with you!

These Madaket shores are breathtaking and calming and their sunsets are infamous on the Island. I was merely a 5 minute walk from this amazing view!

A painting of one of my most favorite places in the world; one of Nantucket Islands secret treasures. This 4 mile trail leads to one of the most quiet, peaceful and gorgeous beaches on the Island-a meditative refue for me during my time on Island.

Mindful Musings:

"I now see my life not as the shaping of achievement to fit my preconceived purposes but as the gradual discovery of a purpose that I do not know."

How much more appreciative and calm we would be if we could simply observe the wisdom above and live from that truth. Oh to be free from our own expecations of ourselves!

WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.....

I am obsessed with this sweater from Banana Republic! It's both comfy and classy!! I tried it on while holiday shopping with my cousin and couldn't take it off! Well that is until I learned that it was priced for $150.00 so added it to my wishlist. The little elves in the North Pole must have heard my prayers because it's on sale now and I just ordered it!

A red camera is what I want for Christmas! We used it to shoot the last film I did and the quality is insane! And so is the price! But a girl can dream!



THIS is what I MOST want for Christmas...my very own puppy! And he will be a he and I will name him something extraordinary because my puppy will be the best, most cutest, well trained puppy in all the land! ARE YOU READING, SANTA?!

The Road of Life

I have always been obsessed with pictures/drawings of tree lined roads. Whenever I sit down with paper and crayons it is always a picture of a country tree lined road heading towards the mountains. It is funny because even when I started drawing this picture since about age ten, I knew that it meant something.

Perhaps it was where I am meant to end up and the whereabouts of my dream home or perhaps it is just a metaphor for life.

When I look at this picture and study the road- I love that there is never an end point but a constant sense of moving forward and sense of adventure as to what is around the next bend.

The trees that surround the road serve both as a comforting protection and mystery. Without the trees hiding our path ahead, we'd be able to see much more clearly the direction we were headed and the journey would no longer prove to be a mystery.

The mountains I am still not sure what they represent but they most certainly are always part of the picture. Perhaps they represent strength, determination, standing true and strong in your dreams. Whatever they represent that is where the road is leading so I do believe it is the ultimate goal of my path- perhaps to simply stay true to who I am and listen to my heart and walk that path no matter what.

There is an independence to this picture that is very much me. When drawing or looking at these pictures, I never get the sense that I am walking beside, behind, or in front of another- it is simply me taking steps with my own two feet- down this road. There is a sense of trust, peace, and absolute knowing that I am heading in the right direction.

Tis The Season!

I absolutely love Christmas time. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. There is something very magical that happens between Thanksgiving and Christmas that is felt by most everyone. There is so much excitement, positive energy, and a childlike innocence that fills people’s hearts. It’s almost as if we all-in our own little way- fall right back into little kid selves and invite a little more laughter, surprises, acceptance, and love than any other time of the year.

For a time, we say goodbye to our ego’s, judgments and fears and allow the gift of Christmas to fill our hearts with love, peace, and holiday fun!

With all the hussle and the bussle that the holidays can bring, I have noticed that in the midst of it all we still manage to give ourselves the gift of time. Time for others, time for giving, time for caring about all the details that make the holidays magical. We allow ourselves to take a moment to choose the perfect holiday card, the right tree that all the kids agree is the best pick of all. We take the time to wait in a 30 minute line so your little one can tell Santa what she wants for Christmas and we take time to make our way through the chaos in search of the exact baby doll she so desperately wishes for. We take the time to kiss under the mistletoe and we take the time to give back to those less fortunate than us. It makes me smile to see and serves as a beautiful reminder of how loving we really are- underneath it all.

It makes me think too. If we can be this way for one month out of the year- isn’t it possible that we can become this way all year long? Surely that’s the goal God had in mind when creating Christmas? To celebrate the Jesus in each of us and to remember who we really are. To appreciate the gifts we have, be grateful for them and embrace the hope of bringing more goodness, joy, and love into the New Year. Isn’t it funny how just after Christmas- the season of love and hope- we are granted the gift of a New Year and the chance to start all over- with no mistakes in it yet? What a beautiful gift that is!

So as this season is among us, let us all continue to take the time and really be present. Give back to others, love without abandon, embrace the little details that make it all so magical and try try try- when the Christmas trees are taken down and the last Christmas cookie eaten- to remember that the magic of loving and giving to others and yourself is always within your reach….and to choose Christmas with each opportunity no matter what time of year.

Sleeping with a Republican

Nov 16^th 2008

I have been feeling pretty good about things here lately- still lonely- most certainly lonely but I’ve been feeling more hopeful.   I loved filming the movie and am eager to get my hands on another project and am trying to figure out how to do that! 

I took the job in the Moon bears and have mixed feelings about it.   I must say, there is something about this group of children that convinced me to be their teacher.  That and the other teachers, Susan and Brett are hilarious and I think potential great friends.  There is an energy in that room, a calmness, and a hilarity that is so welcoming to me!  I am excited to be Miss Michaela.

On another note, though I am eagerly anticipating this upcoming election and fueled with a passion so strong for the change I feel certain to come, there has been a saddness surrounding it all.  This saddness is a feeling I get everytime Mihai and I discuss politics, watch the news, or try to discuss our different perspectives.  Mihai is super conservative and I couldn't be more liberal if I wanted to be.  We were both born in different countries, Mihai under the communist regime and I grew up in the Theatre....I don't think there is any place more open minded than in the world of theatre!  I understand our differences or I try to.  But some of the things he says really frighten me and make me wonderful how the hell can we grow together when our fundamentals are such opposites.  I start to get upset, angry, sad and fight him to "open his mind" which is SO open minded of me :)   He does the same and I get upset at him for trying to change my mind when I know it's "right."

 I don’t want Mihai to turn down his light for me either.  I see how different we are yet how similar.  We are both so passionate about life, people, adventure and have such strong opinions about what we believe to be right and wrong and won’t hesitate to scream it from the mountaintops.  But, if we are to do that- he and I would be screaming at each other from opposite mountaintops.  No longer a team but opponents.  It creates a huge disconnect and makes me lonely for my best friend.

I believe that this is a test of sorts, perhaps.  For one who claims to be so open minded, I sure am close minded to the views of a Republican.   But then again, some of the things that come out of his mouth I just cannot accept for it opposes everything that I believe to be true about life.  And that is my truth.  It just makes me think on a larger scale, how to nations who have such different points of view find peace?  Surely if they can do it, so can Mihai and I? 

Time will tell.  Relationships are messy.  If someone two years ago were to ask me if I would ever end up sleeping with a Republican let alone falling in love with one, I would have laughed in their face and said “no chance in hell.”  But God has an awfully great sense of humor and love really does just pop up out of nowhere and certainly when you least expect it.  Time is the only medicine.

But this I know to be true about us, today….when the news channels are turned off, the newspapers tossed into the recycling bin, our egos retired for the day and we are lying in bed cuddling and laughing-  and I’m staring into his eyes and see who he really is- all of that disappears and he is quite simply,my best friend.  And there is no place I would rather be.

 

Ah, life.

Tonight is the night!

I am very excited about the historical events that I will take place tonight!  I have been, as I believe most of us in America today, praying and hoping that we all work together to bring change into our lives and our country!

There is something in the air today that feels different. My astrological-pro of a friend told me that the planets have not been aligned in this exact formation since that of the Revolutionary War.  Now that is cool, my friends.  And I can feel it.  Or at least I am betting on what I feel being change, open mindedness, acceptance, and unity slowly replacing older mindsets that have run our country for so long.

May we all be celebrating tonight!

Well, it's been a while...

It’s been a while since I wrote.  (insert my normal list of excuses here).  I have been adjusting well to Denver and have really been enjoying the nature here and the time with my family.  I have decided to work as a Substitute Teacher while giving myself the gift of exploration for the year.  I am determined to come out of this year with a clearer vision of what I want to create for my life and what better to time then to determine that in the wake of my 30^th year.   

I know that I am rushing myself as I always do in the name of “making something of myself”and in finding this”sole purpose that God put me on this earth to complete” like I am a freaking Superman waiting to be discovered or something.  I have been on enough therapist couches to know that my “anxiety motor” runs too fast and keeps me from remaining in the moment and in a state of appreciation for the now.

That is why I am here.  To acquire that skill, to grow, to learn, to trust.  To slow down and recognize that really whatever I decide to be my “calling” is always in a constant state of change and that is it up to me to control my “perpeller of emotions” in order to remain centered and in a state of gratitude.   No matter what career I choose, what man I share my bed with or what child I bear there will ALWAYS be days that I will doubt and want to jump ship and sail off into the sunset….ALONE.  That is just how I was made.  But there is no growth in that, no challenge, no relationship. 

There is something about Nature that grounds me in a way that NYC did not.  I got lost there, for certain. I see that very clearly now.  And to be without vision or purpose in that city is not where I want to be.    I feel proud of myself and confident now that I know the difference between what my ego tells me to do and what my heart ultimately needs.  And the latter is where I will continue to find my peace and any purpose I want to discover.

I do get lonely here.  I have a constant ache of missing my friends, the diversity of the city, the crazy things and people you see just on your way to work.  What an adventure!  But I am happy my life is here for the moment and I really do trust that it is here that I needed to come to take the next step in my life.    Who knows where I end up but I do know that it will be wonderful if I continue to follow my heart. 

The lessons I am learning are great but not easy.   And the biggest lesson of all is to “keep it simple” and take it one day at a time- allow God to do the rest.

 

Movie, Tears, Auditions

This have been going pretty well- minus the fact that I am still unemployed and without many leads on jobs. I even submitted my resumes to some Restaurants- oh my god- will I be waiting tables again!? Oh well, I'd rather buck up and get some savings than eat into what I have at this point.

Our apartment couldn't be cuter or more cozy if we tried. It's a one bedroom (our bedroom is my favorite!). It's big, more closet space than I've had in the last 5 years and big Queen bed! Man, trying to roll with a full size bed when in a relationship is quite a difficult task- I haven't slept this good in a year and a half! Thank you Labor Day Mattress Sales!

Our kitchen is also one of my favorite rooms- we actually have counter space and can cook! In my spare time, which is a lot as of now, I have been making meals for Mihai as he has a job! Yes it's true the Romanian landing a sweet gig working as a mover. The idea of me being a mover makes me sick to my stomach as I prefer low maintance jobs that require limited movement. But my man loves the action, the team work, and that every day is in a new place with a new move! And it pays well- go Mihai!

My days lately have been spent writing, searching for jobs, working out and the occassional jaunt to Target- which is my favorite local store :) I find myself quickly forming relationships with those employed there. They are all so friendly, granted they are also suffering from mild mental handicaps which make them all quite outgoing. I appreciate it! Talk to me! I'm unemployed and lonely. Be my friend.

Today is Saturday and I am heading out to Boulder for my first audition. An hour away for an audition. I guess that's the same distance I'd be going if I were in NYC. It's for a heinously written play about a community of Christian folk in the deep south. It's ridicoulsly crazy but I promised myself I'd get there and practice my auditioning....the audition is also on top of some local video store so I am slightly concerned for my safety. But all in the name of art, eh?

I'll be on my way after I finish my cup of coffee, this hear blog and a movie I'm watching with Hillary Duff before she got skinny. Before that, I was watching Free Willy 2 but had to change the channel when the tears started to come. Yeah, Mrs. Flow is definitely coming for a visit.

I miss all my friends a lot and Brooklyn in particular right now. Hilary and her sister and single Mom all just moved there and I'm reminded of all the amazing things I miss about that city. I wonder if I made a mistake but keep telling my mind to stop comparing Denver and NYC as they couldn't be worlds apart and I made the decision to move here so it is only right that I give it a chance.

I came here to spend time with my family, figure out what the hell I want to do with my life, and spend some quality time with nature and my boo. I will stay here for at least a year, give it a chance, work on my reel and write my kids book. That is the plan and I gotta commit to it. Commitment. eek. that is my biggest challenge I believe.

Time will tell. Speaking of which, the movie just came back on.

Till next time.

Cala's in Colorado.

Attitude or Altitude?

Being unemployed sucks. I'm still looking for a job and so far no prospects for me or the Romanian. I am trying to stay positive but shit- i'm just plain fucking bored! A girl can only drink, eat and watch so many episodes of Oprah before going a bit crazy...not to mention thicker around the waist line!!!! (But damn that Cosby Show special on Oprah sure rocked!)'

I don't know what the problem is. Certainly it isn't a result of the state of our economy. Perhaps I am not doing my morning mantra's that "The Secret" has instructed to me to conduct. "A creative job that I love, working with people I like and making really good money" is coming! Either someone upstairs ain't listening or the universe's calendar is on a different time code. Either way, Jesus hook a sista uppppp!!!

I'm not very good at the whole patience and trust thing...clearly. I love working and rushing around like a chicken with her head cut off! I'm so good at that! Sitting around waiting and trusting, not so much.

Adding salt to the wound- sister's had the worst period of her lifeee and what do I blame for this? The freaking altitude! I swear- the altitude is known to make someone more tired, naseous, dizzy, and more high and drunk than you'd get if you were at sea level (which for the later, I am extremely grateful as I'm a cheaper date now!!!) So why wouldn't it make one more cranky, emotional, and borderline insane while on their period!

Yes, I have been known since moving here to blame the altitude for everything. It is true.

"Cala, can you go grab some food from the grocery store?"
- Oh I would but I'm just feeling so tired from this altitude.

"Cala lets go for a walk with Miller again!"
-Hmmm maybe in a bit, I'm feeling so dizzzzy

And my favorite.

"Cala, lets make love?"
Oh honey you know Iwould if only this altitude.......

Maybe it really is the altitude that has replaced my hopeful and positive outlook with a Negative Nelly fieldday. Or maybe its just me and Mrs. Flow.

Whatever the reason, I sit here, outside drinking my coffee and wondering...

What would Bill Cosby do?

Would he sit around, sulking, and playing the victim or would he make sub sandwiches out of shit storms?!?!?!?!

hmmmmm......subwayyyyyyyyyyy.......

And just to be clear

I am enjoying myself here. I'm trying my stamp out on dark comedy. I kind of like it.

Romanian and I went for a hike today with my brother's dogs, Bean and Macy. Other than the incessant and pungent farts coming from Macey girl on the way there, it was gorgeous and much needed time with Mother Earth. I like her a lot. I enjoy the time with my family and the Romanian and certainly the free time to judge and criticize all of those around me!!!!

Lots of love to all my readers (that would be you Con, Jen, Meg, Katie, Hannah, and Mary!!!)

I MISS YOU BITCHES!

xo
cala

Moving on ain't so easy to do

Hello to the blog world! This is my first time every writing in a blog and I'm super excited!


Why did I decide to write a blog now, you may ask? Well, the truth is that four days ago I moved to Denver from NYC- after living there for 5 years among a multitude of jobs/artistic pursuits/apartment and roomate situations-and now I am here, jobless and ....fucking bored. HA!

The streets here are filled with the occassional pedestrian, a car slowly passing by every 2-3 minutes and I am so confused by the immediate and incredible decrease in population that I feel very afraid something has happened to the majority of the Denver population. Certainly no city could be this barren? Perhaps half of the Denver population get hit by aesteroid while I was sleeping last night? Or perhaps all of the Republicans are clearing out for the convention- in which case I say good riddance!!! That would make more sense to me at this point than accepting this empty space as the NORM!

Why did I move to Denver you may be asking me? I swear to you it was all part of this plan I have or had. Said "plan" seems quite arbitrary at this point as I'm waiting for jobs to fall into place and the Romanian (my boyfriend) to meet me here. Alas, plans are long term. Step by step I tell myself. All will fall in to place. Yadda yadda yadda.

To be fair to (I guess myself), I came to Denver to re-center myself more or less. I found after living in NYC for 5 years that I became stagnant, unclear and unfocused... and with that so were my passions/purpose. I am big about living with purpuse, passion, visions and planning on how to make your dreams come true. Goddamn Marianne Williamson am I!!!!

Anyway, I had no idea what I wanted to do anymore or even more who I really was (or who had I become in the last 5 years). I felt suffocated by the constant stimuli, crowded streets and sardine-packed trains (that now clearly have become my comfort zones). Working to survive (at the most boring desk job known to man) was wearing down on me hard and after discussing with the Romanian on what would be the best step forward for us- we both agreed moving here to live with my family, in a beautiful place full of nature goodness, AND a $200/month 1 bdrm apartment-would be a great stepping stone for us to figure out what the fuck we were doing with our lives!!!!!!!

So we both quit our respected jobs (well there was nothing to respect about mine) and said goodbye to the city to which I had lived for 5 years, we had fallen in love in and where all of my best friends of life resided. Saying goodbye to NYC and my friends would prove to be the easiest part of this journey for me for the simple fact that I spent the last 2 weeks in NYC in drunken denail (I highly recommend this to anyone about to say goodbye!!!) It hasn't been until now, sitting alone and sober, typing to myself and all those yet to read this blogiary, that the sad door has quietly and quickly creaked open.

I don't want to judge this place. I've read enough self help books to know that being open- minded, happy and trusting are what create positive results in your life. Now knowing and feeling are two obviously veeeeeeeeery different things. And I feel sad. I feel weird. I feel like the rug has been taken out from out of me and I'm falling in mid air!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!

I feel that though NYC was overwhelming to me it had overwhelming opportunities and that by somehow coming here- to this calmer, slower-paced city that I have said goodbye to any big dreams I may have had. I moved to NYC with big dreams of being on Broadway, on Network TV, and OBVIOUSLY invited by Oprah to be a guest on her show 5 times over (at least!!) And now here I am in a different city with no said Network role, no Broadway show, and well...I'll still be on Oprah dammit even if i'm 80 years old and in a wheel chair talking about my bladder problems!!!

NYC feels to me like the first love of your life- exciting, sexy, adventurous, full of potential and Denver feels like the calm, centered, stable man you can always count on. Neither is bad or good. They just are....no one place is ever going to perfect, no one man is ever going to fulfill all of your needs. I am seeing that it wasn't NYC so much as me that was lost and anxious and here I have more time to see that. Which is good and sad and scary. I miss my friends. I miss the Romanian.

I believe in myself- as we all should believe in ourselves- but when life tosses huge changes our way I think we should give ourselves the permission to sit down, stare outside the window and write in our blogs: what the fuck just went down? did i just make a huge mistake? And just sit with that feeling and those questions and still know that no matter which side of the fence (or city) you are on, the grass is still green and we all still poop everyday.

Till next time!

Confused in Colorado

xo

Cala