Somedays

I work hard to try to stay on the positive side in my life.  I am by nature a cynical, realistic, Irish Woman...so I kind of HAVE to :)

Following intention, holding onto faith and trusting that everything I pray for and work hard for will come in my life is one of my many mantra's.  But that doesn't mean that some days doubt, fear, loneliness (mixed with a dash of self pity) don't tempt me- and often times win control over my mind for a brief time.

Whether it's the weather, the lack of acting jobs, the routine of my relationship that is feeling more in the realm of "old married couple" than I want- I'm not sure.  But I feel the rut creeping upon me, tapping me on the shoulder and tempting me to wallow, become bitter and second guess myself.  

Perhaps the honeymoon of the Denver move is gone and now I'm left with the discomfort and plain old boringness that I feel when things become normal and routine.

I've never done well with routine.  As mentioned in the last blog-It is there that my commitment is always tested and more times than not, I would either quit my job/my auditioning/my relationships or pack my bags and move.  

I used to think this was the answer until I started noticing (after MANY moves) that every time I moved I had to start over again.  Start rebuilding my savings, start finding new contacts, start making new friends.   Starting over is great but in moderation....I now understand that you can't build a life full of starting overs.

I don't want to start over again.  I'm tired.  

It is hard when you want so many things in your life and you feel like none of them are happening.  It is discouraging, it feels lonely and helpless.  Even though you know that isn't the ultimate truth....those are strong emotions that can almost feel like the truth the moment you are feeling them.

I completley believe in the power of a good cry- letting go of all that feeling you've been storing up inside you.  But after that how do we shift back to a positive and creative space from there? For me it can be easy to just give up on my intentions and loving creativity because, frankly, I just get freaking tired of trying to stay positive all the time!  

How do we "regain our stance/center, and push through those feelings and keep chasing our dreams with hope, positivity, patience?"

Perhaps the answer is unique to each of us and part of the journey is in discovering that while remaining gentle with ourselves.  Maybe it means showing up and stepping up to the plate despite those feelings?

Or maybe somedays are just harder than others.  And I think that is okay.

Today I wish...

being blonde wasn't so damn expensive.

Bummer.

I love my job

...but could seriously do without the 2 year old phase of repeating everything you say.

:)

If I could be anywhere right now...

it would be on the set of an incredible Indie film.

Soon enough.

A Heart's Chance Trailer

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=536725426#/video/video.php?v=1153109872135&ref=nf

Commitment

One of the things I am exploring in my yoga practice is the vital importance of commitment in life. Whether it be to your partner, career, child, debt repayment plan or your yoga mat; results are what is created over time (with the degree of commitment you have to what you desire to show up in your life.)

In yoga they tell us that it doesn't matter HOW we show up to our mat each day but that we just show up. Depending on our day, mood, monthly cycle or whatnot we approach each pose every day differently. Some days we sink deeply into our camel and other days we can only sit on our knees trying desperately to breathe through the nausea we feel slowly creeping up our throats. The goal of a yogi is not to master and perfect each pose but to simply commit to the practice by stepping onto your mat each day without any expectation of how a pose "should be." Insodoing you create a relationship between yourself, your mat and your life goals.

Commitment has always been a challenge for me and many times in my life- whether it was going after a dream I had or a relationship that I desired- when the going got tough, Cala got going.    When a point in my relationship got confusing or uncertain- rather than trust and commit to riding out the wave to see what it will evolve into- I would have a panic attack and react by assuming that this feeling meant something was not right and I would proceed to walk away from my dream, my relationship, my goal and most importantly myself.  It has become clear to me over the years, with many lessons learned and through yoga, that it is through commitment and "staying the course" when your dreams really do come true. 

Whether it's while in camel's pose or in an audition the goal remains the same. Breathe, stay present, and trust yourself. Our only job is to be ourselves, authentically and fully. It doesn't matter if you can't do the pose perfect or nail the audition every time. The gift we have to give is our commitment to our desires and goals. To show up every day, work hard, stay present and available to all possibilities that may show up in my life or on my mat.  Take risks, quit judging yourself , have fun!   And when the going gets tough, and the pose feels too hard or the relationship starts to get scary or you start feeling discouraged from the lack of auditions you are booking- come back to your breathe, center yourself, focus on your intention and trust.  

And believe, with unwavering faith...that everything you desire is right in front of you.

Stay the course.  

Namaste.

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