Another box, Another dream

I'm sitting in my living room drinking coffee. Boxes are piled high and stuff is everywhere waiting to be packed and put in its place. The last box I packed, I filled with journals beginning from elementary school (30 total), all the play and movie scripts I have acted in, my vision boards etc.

I am now getting hit with a big wave of nostalgia. Thinking of all the places my life has taken me, the many people I have met along the way... and I can't help but wonder where my life is headed next. Sure our new place is just ten minutes away from this one but I mean...really where is my life headed next?!

As much as I try to remain inspired, motivated, and keep the faith that my life is going down the direction God has intended...sometimes, in moments such as this, I sit and wonder....what if I have it all wrong?

What if there is no path that God is leading me down but a path that is based on just the choices that I make and what if my choices are wrong? What if Denver, working with kids, getting my yoga teacher certification and possibly becoming a therapist is NOT the right path? What if my path still is acting and what if I am in the entirely WRONG place? What if I really can't do it all and by choosing one path I am somehow giving up the other? Can I really have it ALL one day?! Many in my life would tell me no...

I can't let my mind stay in this place very long, it is counter productive and really the truth that I know for sure is that life is what you make of it....but this is an honest blog about my experience and I want to share this little moment with you in the hopes that we can all relate to each others journey's just a little bit better. Life isn't always inspired...sometimes we have to work hard to bring ourselves back to the inspiration, the faith, the light.

Reading these journals it is just so clear to me that I have always wanted art, acting and singing and writing to be in my life. I wanted to make a career out of changing people's lives by touching them so much that they couldn't help but walk away just a little changed for the better. I wanted a family, a dog, and a beautiful home. I wanted to be in movies like Braveheart and Last of the Mohicans, ride horses and kick some serious ass.

I still do.

I guess as you get older these dreams can feel farther away and it is difficult not to sell out to the "I'm too old now", "I should've worked harder when I had the chance living in NYC," "My time has passed" etc.

I won't sell out, I know. I know that there is ALWAYS space and time for anyone's dreams to come true. I have faith that it will.

It's just that right now, in this moment when my life is being packed away yet again, I wonder...am I headed in the right direction?

I surrender. I believe.

I keep packing. I keep moving. I keep fighting for it all.

Getting There...

Almost half our little apartment is all packed up and the new place is getting spruced up as I write. Being in the meantime of a move or any big transition is always unsettling for me but this time I feel okay with it. Maybe all the moving I have done in the last 7 years has served me well! It certainly has made me more aware of the fact that home is made with the people you love and not the place you live in. I really do enjoy moving from one place to another...I wonder if this free spirit will ever settle down!

As we are nearing the move to the cute (dog friendly) apartment, I have begun a puppy search! I am checking local shelters and also local english bulldog and labrador breeders (if anyone knows of any legitimate breeders, send them my way please!) to get a better sense of what we want. I am hoping to have one in time for March as a bday surprise for a certain Romanian (shhhh!!!!) Either way I know the right puppy will come our way and I can't wait to meet the little guy!

If you know me well you know that I have been wanting a puppy since before college...which is almost 10 years ago( wow)...it feels REALLY great to (almost) be in a place in my life where we can finally get one!

Here's to happy puppy hunting!

One thing at a time

You know those days, weeks or months when everything just seems to pile up at once. When your plate that once looked so balanced and neat is all of a sudden overflowing with classes, paper work, errands, phone calls and emails...oh and MOVING. You try so hard to avoid over extending yourself but no matter how hard you try life just gets CRAZY! Yeah, I'm having one of those months.

In addition to moving to our new place in two weeks (that we want to repaint and carpet clean), Mihai starts school next week (yay!), I am taking a Positive Child Guidance class for work (2 nights a week for 5 hours after working 8 hours with toddlers), putting together my Irish Citizenship Application (you don't even want to know how many papers that required), babysitting, auditioning and trying to get to yoga so I don't COMPLETELY LOSE IT!

When my plate is overflowing it is easy for me to get stressed out, cranky, tired, and many times sick as a result. This time around I am trying to remember to breath and trust that it will all get done. Stay present. Focus on one thing at a time not on the entire TO DO list.

Yeah, I'm having to repeat this mantra in my head over and over all day.

Here's to getting through a very busy (and exciting) January!!!!

Keep the positive energy coming our way, we need it!!

Love to you all!

New Year, New Perspective

Many of you lovely readers must know by now of my deep love for anything holiday related. New Years Eve is among one of my favorites. Reflection of the past, embracing the fun of the present, and hopeful for all the things that the new year will bring.

Yet this year as I was helping prepare appetizers for our NYE party with new friends and sipping on my favorite pinot noir, it kind of hit me that I was clearly not feeling the New Years spirit this time around. Normally around this time of year I whip out my list of last years goals, review it and then create a new list of things I want to create in the New Year.

Yet as I cooked and savored the incredible smell ruminating in our cozy 1 bedroom apartment, the idea of this tradition left me feeling sick to my stomach and fearful that I would soon vomit all over the Romanian's gorgeous chicken schnitzels. Too drained mixed with an ounce of discouragement, a cup of doubt, and a dash of who gives a shit...left me wanting to throw in the towel on my New Years party, traditions and all. All I wanted was to top off the bottle of pinot noir, curl up to a good classic movie and ring in 2010 passed out on the couch.

Alas,I rallied like a good Irish Catholic girl must, threw on a dress and a fake smile and went to the party. We did have fun playing Taboo (and yes as always I kicked serious ass), drinking wine and sharing some laughs...but that feeling best described as "uuuuughhhhhh" left a bad taste in my mouth that no glass of pinot noir, 2 flutes of champagne, 1 shot whiskey or pint of guinness could tame.... suffice it to say, I rang in the New Year with a godawful hangover not to mention a strong sense that 2010 was going to kick my ass.

UNTIL......

Two days later I was reminded by a bright light in my life that a New Years started with resolutions often starts the year off on a negative note. Whether we intend for this or not, there is an energy of pressure (of HAVING to do XYZ in order for this coming year to be the best year yet) that doesn't serve us. Rather it settles us into a place of expectation,worry, and fear that we will fail our resolutions (and ourselves) again this year. It sets the stakes up for disappointment and hurt. I was already feeling that way and it was only January 1st...sista needed some positive insight and fast....and thank god, I got it.

What if (she suggested) we didn't have to do anything other than build upon what we were already blessed with and naturally good at. What if our only job this year was to attract and expand on who we really are, our god given talents, and trust that as long as we remain that the universe will bring forth everything that is in likeness to that.

Hearing this, I immediately began to breath easier and the burden of these resolutions, quickly lifted from my shoulders. "You mean I could tear up my list of goals and only focus on being love, creativity, kindness, compassion, healing energy, passion and art!!! Is it really that easy?"

She would suggest it is and I too now would agree.

Over the last two weeks I have felt AWESOME. Every moment I can maintain enough awareness to remember WHO I REALLY AM, and settle back into all of those amazing qualities that I already AM...life brings me more of what I desire.

Loving relationships, great friendships, creative opportunities that provide prosperity for me, health, happiness and so much more...are being drawn toward me, not because they are on some list but because they are in alignment with ME..

To a New Year and to New Beginnings!!!!

All my love